Thoughts on My Post Baby Body

Monday, 11 November 2019 Bath, UK

The first time I looked at myself in the mirror roughly three weeks after coming home from the hospital, I
burst into tears. Not only was there a bruised c-section scar that reminded me of that traumatic day, but
my tummy was wobbly, my rib cage was wider and I won’t even talk about my thighs. I was tired (duh)
and the bags under my eyes were purple. It was like a stranger was staring back at me, and I felt so
disconnected from my body.

I know, I know… my body had done this miraculous thing and grown an actual human being. But honestly?
That didn’t really make me feel any better right then. Was she 100% worth it? Absolutely. But I still
needed a second to grieve the body I had before. Maybe more than a second.

Coat: New Look | Black Skinny Jeans: Primark | Shoes: Topshop (old) | Bag: ASOS

I’m three months postpartum now, and I’m not crying anymore. Of course, my body is different and I’m
slowly coming to terms with the fact that I’m not living in someone else’s body. Instead, I realise that this
beautiful person stood in front of me in the mirror is, in fact, me. 

My c-section scar is barely anything. Still currently a line of deep red, but so so far down you wouldn’t see
it even if I was in the skimpiest of bikinis. And actually, I love my scar. I almost wish it was more visible so
I could show it off! It tells a story of the scariest day of my life where one of the best things that has ever
happened to me happened. I met my amazing baby, Nova. I love it because it reminds me that, even
though I was terrified, I fought through it like a boss and I didn’t let discouragement or fear control me. I
came through the other side stronger with new respect for myself. 

As for the new jeans size and wobbles… yeah, they bother me. But I am not my body. I am not my jeans
size. I have so much more to offer than that. I wouldn’t say I’m there with the body confidence, but I have
come such a long way in a few short months.

So, what changed between then and now?

A few things... But none of them involved dropping a jeans size or fitting into previous clothing.

I shaved my legs for the first time post baby. I put my ‘comfort zone’ maternity jeans in the loft and bought
some clothes that made me feel good, ignoring the numbers on the label. I got myself (and Nova) up out
of bed and on a walk. I took the time to do make up properly, not the usual slapdash 5 minute job I’m
surprisingly good at. I looked after myself. Some of these things may sound superficial, but I know they
make me feel good, and so, even if I don’t feel like it, I’m going to do them. Because feeling like myself is
worth it.

Body confidence is a process - baby or no baby. I’m not going to wake up one day and be awarded a gold
medal for ‘confidence’, but everyday I can choose to take small steps towards self acceptance and love
for myself. Because it is true what they say; my body did grow a human being. But not only that. My legs
may not fit into my size 10 jeans anymore but they do walk me to the kettle to make that well needed cup
of tea and slice of toast every morning. My arms may be slightly thicker than I’d like, but because of them
I can carry my baby around the house, cuddle her and my husband and do so much that I love like playing
the piano or doing my makeup. My middle may be larger than it was, but it was my baby’s home for little
over 9 months and is the future home for any other children we may be lucky enough to have. What a
privilege that is!

It’s not always easy. I understand, trust me I do! But you have a choice about what you see when you
look in the mirror. It’s okay to grieve the body you had before. But trust the process and choose the truth,
and one day, you might just believe it.

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